


Hold My Hand

by c_o_u_s_c_o_u_s



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming out aftermath, Homophobia, Idols, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Romance, Seungcheol's family, Smutish, canonish, idolsverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28205016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_o_u_s_c_o_u_s/pseuds/c_o_u_s_c_o_u_s
Summary: “I’m telling you it’s going to be fine. They’re not angry. They won’t say anything bad to you." Seungcheol continued, his voice firm."You’re practically family remember?"To that, Jeonghan couldn't help but retort, eyes still shut, “I’m sure that when your parents said that they considered me a son, that’s not quite what they had in mind.”Seungcheol and Jeonghan go to Daegu for a visit.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 80





	Hold My Hand

“It looks like we’ll be there faster than expected,” Seungcheol commented, making another attempt at breaking the silence. The man drove with one hand on the wheel as usual. Jeonghan couldn't help but stare at it, dry and slightly calloused, with short bitten nails.

For longer rides with just the two of them, Jeonghan preferred to be the one driving. Though Seungcheol was a great driver, he needed too much distraction, and it was more demanding for Jeonghan to be a passenger than to drive himself. This time around, Jeonghan didn’t trust himself at the wheel. Too nervous, too on edge. So he didn't offer to drive or to switch, and Seungcheol didn't ask. He seemed ready to drive all the way to Daegu. Jeonghan had the fleeting thought that he should make up for it on the way back.

Hopefully, he'd be in a state to do so.

“Hm. Great.” His voice low, subdued. He had responded mechanically, but Jeonghan didn’t know if it was really great information. Most of his focus was on pushing down the dread pooling in his stomach and threatening to overflow. They were currently halfway to their destination, and he still felt like asking Seungcheol to turn the car around. As if driving in the opposite direction would help him run away from the problem. _As if he could run away from himself._

“Last time, it took us almost 4h since the traffic outside of the city was so bad,” said Seungcheol.

“Hm.”

“Eomma was so upset about the food getting cold,”

Seungcheol kept talking, hoping to pull Jeonghan out of his shell.

“She always insists on cooking ahead. I keep telling her there is no need to have food ready for us when we arrive. She’s convinced 3 hours on the road will starve us.” Seungcheol shook his head, unable to hide the fondness in his voice under his reproach.

“Hm.”

“And she always makes your favorite dishes," Seungcheol chuckled. "It’s almost like you’re her favorite.” He turned to wink at Jeonghan and didn’t miss the flinch his words provoked. His playful eyes shifted to concern, brows frowning. And, of course, the car was conveniently at a stop. Jeonghan clenched his jaw and turned on his seat. He didn't want to hear Seungcheol's empty reassurances. He didn't want to hear that he was worried about nothing.

Seungcheol sighed next to him. "Jeonghan-ah, relax. You’ve been tense for most of the ride. We still have a good hour left. You’re going to make yourself sick."

Letting his head coming to rest on the window, Jeonghan closed his eyes. He wished he had a blanket. Even with the heater on, he had chills.

“I’m telling you it’s going to be fine. They’re not angry. They won’t say anything bad to you." Seungcheol continued, his voice firm."You’re practically family remember?"

To that, Jeonghan couldn't help but retort, eyes still shut, “I’m sure that when your parents said that they considered me a son, that’s not quite what they had in mind.”

He heard another sigh, and they went back to driving in silence. The radio was off. Earlier, Seungcheol had tried to find some music they could listen to, but Jeonghan didn’t want any additional noise. There was too much in his head already, and nothing could distract him from what was coming.

It wasn’t the first time Jeonghan visited Seungcheol’s family home. Not even the first time since they started dating (it happened once, and Jeonghan was quite uncomfortable for the whole visit, he felt like they would able to read it on his face or something). Still, now when he compared with that experience, it was nothing to how he felt going to Daegu knowing that the whole family was aware of their relationship.

_That they all knew that he seduced their Seungcheol out of the straight life he lived until then._

It's been about a month since Seungcheol came out to his parents, or rather since he informed them that he was dating someone and that the someone in question was Jeonghan. According to Seungcheol, they were shocked. And upset. "A bit," Seungcheol had said, trying to make it seem okay to Jeonghan. His mother more than his father, he casually noted. His brother had been silent about the whole thing but seemed to silently support him. His grandmother didn't seem to really understand, and she just asked him if he was happy.

That’s what Seungcheol told him, and that's clearly how _he_ viewed the situation. But Jeonghan wasn't there, he didn't know how much to trust Seungcheol's impression, and he didn't know how they felt about him. How they would react to him. Someone they welcomed in their own home, who slept under their roof and shared meals with them, someone who was supposed to be a friend – a brother – to their son. But went ahead and turned into someone who did _that_ with their son. He was now the man who dared to be in love with their son and have their son love him back.

As far as they knew, Seungcheol was perfectly straight before. He had relationships and many crushes, and all were girls. One even lived in the same area. Seungcheol's mom mentioned her to Jeonghan, saying that the girl often asked her about Seungcheol.

"She didn't care about him before, but she's probably interested now that my boy is famous and successful. Too bad for her, it's not going to happen." Seungcheol's mom had said in a conspiratory tone to Jeonghan. She was chuckling brightly, happy to share the gossip and unable to hide the pride in her voice. Now Jeonghan wondered if Seungcheol's mom wouldn't prefer that girl after all. Opportunist or materialistic, at the very least, Park Chayeon, was female. Jeonghan wondered if Seungcheol's mom blamed him. Did she feel that Jeonghan corrupted her son? He couldn't get rid of that sick feeling. No matter how much Seungcheol told him not to worry, Jeonghan couldn't help but be expecting the worse.

And the truth was that no matter how they'd react, Jeonghan felt like he would have deserved it.

They had to pull over so he could puke his meager breakfast an hour into the drive. Thankfully it wasn't in the middle of the city. He only had some riceballs for breakfast, so it had mostly been dry heaves. Painful ones. He supposed it made sense for Seungcheol to keep checking on him after that pathetic episode.

"Are you okay? Jeonghan, do you need me to stop again? Do you have to-"

"I'm fine."

"Alright... if you're sure, just let me know if-"

"I will." Jeonghan didn't mean to sound short. It wasn't Seungcheol fault, not really.

From his childhood, Jeonghan remembered enough to know that he was not a good kid. He wasn't particularly naughty, but he liked to bend the rules and was mischievous. He wasn't always honest, and he didn't always obey. Still, in the back of his mind, Jeonghan always knew right from wrong. So whenever his parents punished him, Jeonghan always thought he deserved it. He never felt that it was unfair. No, Jeonghan had it coming, and he knew it. So yes, he wasn't a good kid, but he was fully aware of what being good entailed. Right now, it was the same; He knew how to be 'good,' and he wasn't doing it.

They were supposed to be teammates, colleagues, friends. Nothing more. Jeonghan tried to keep it that way. Evidently, it didn't work.

It's hard to pinpoint when the stares, the touches, the silence between them turn into something more tangible.

When they multiplied excuses to touch. When their touches turned insistent. Suddenly they stopped dancing around each other and kissed. They found their release together, rubbing against each other, Seungcheol's hand into his pants, Jeonghan on his knees for him.

At first, it was just sex.

Or so Jeonghan tried to convince himself.

Each time he came, Jeonghan tried to tell himself it was just that, sex. A quick and easy way to find release. To ease the pressure they were all under. He stopped himself from labeling for them. An attempt to deny what he was making Seungcheol into by kissing him, by touching him. Jeonghan was scared, but he kept going with the flow while auto-justifying things in his own head. And Jeonghan had seen how Seungcheol, on his end, was living the experience so differently. With wonder and excitement, with so much yearning. Their leader couldn't keep his eyes off of Jeonghan. Seungcheol would find ways to stare at him from across the room. He was unable to keep his hands to himself. Always needy, needing Jeonghan, so much, so often that the rest noticed something was up.

Still, Jeonghan absurdly tried to keep living in his lie.

He tried to pass it off as something casual between two horny members, anything to prevent it from becoming real.

Then, Seungcheol started asking him out on dates.

And Jeonghan didn't say no.

The first time they went all the way, Jeonghan wanted to be the one on top. He didn't want to be under Seungcheol. He thought he would be more in control that way, _control their feelings_. Keep them from spiraling further into the abyss. Jeonghan remembered taking Seungcheol into his body. The burn from the breach, the sensation of being stretched and full, so full. Seungcheol's eyes, burning into his with an intensity that Jeonghan couldn't escape. Like hooks capturing Jeonghan. The motions left him gasping, mouth open, fingers clenching. It was good, too good, and way too real. The pain was mostly in Jeonghan's chest. He ended up letting Seungcheol move his body for him too overwhelmed to do it himself. Jeonghan was submerged, prisoner of Seungcheol's stare and of his hands alternating between caressing and gripping him as he kept pushing into Jeonghan, over and over. Relentless. Jeonghan was wrong. The position didn't matter. It was always going to be that way. It was Seungcheol. Jeonghan was floating. Nothing was weighing him down, the pleasure, the warmth, the tremors, nothing but the two of them existed.

Coming felt so different than what they did before, and when he came, Seungcheol had Jeonghan's name on his lips, like a whispered secret, a prayer. Afterward, he cleaned Jeognhan's body, gentle and careful. And he gave Jeonghan a deep kiss. Just melding their lips together like they fit so naturally, licking into Jeonghan's mouth with renewed possessiveness as Jeonghan helplessly moaned and melted into him.

Jeonghan remembered waking up the next day, knowing he screwed up. His body completely flattened against Seungcheol's, back against a strong chest, tangled legs, groin pressed close as Jeonghan still experienced the pangs of the night before, evidence of Seungcheol's presence deep inside him. Jeonghan could tell that Seungcheol had been awake awhile. Seungcheol shifted behind him and rubbing his nose on Jeonghan's neck, inhaling deeply.

The innocent gesture was almost enough to break Jeonghan.

Seungcheol was holding him so close and breathing in Jeonghan first thing in the morning. Of course, it wasn't just sex. It never had been. Jeonghan wanted to whimper, but he just closed his eyes in defeat, biting his lips to not make a sound.

He wasn't in denial anymore then. No, instead, Jeonghan was thinking that he needed to end it. That he needed to do it for their sake. And he tried.

He did.

Jeonghan came back to himself when the door closed. He didn't even realize that they stopped. He had been leaning on the window with his eyes still shut. Seungcheol probably assumed he fell asleep. They sometimes took the train it was faster and less tiring but also less relaxing. They had to be careful about their surroundings at the station and on the train, and while nothing ever happened. The freedom and the lack of burden that came with being in a car with no eyes on them was something they preferred. Jeonghan didn't lie to Seungcheol, he didn't feel like vomiting, the urge was replaced by a pounding headache.

Glancing outside, Jeonghan rolled down the window. The air was cold. He knew that he should probably stretch his legs but Jeonghan didn't feel like moving. The light blue of the sky was drowned by large clouds, and it smelled like wet dust. Jeonghan let his eyes appreciate the bleak scenery, mirroring his mood. Since he agreed to come with Seungcheol, he'd been alternating between anxiety and defeat. And not to forget his constant companion, namely guilt. An old friend that had been with him since he realized what he was, and what he wasn't.

"What was the point of worrying?" Myungho had said.

"Yeah, I know."

"What will be will be, Hyung."

True. Jeonghan knew he would just have to face whatever awaited him in Daegu. But he knew it wouldn’t be pretty. He for sure wasn’t hoping for some cheerful acceptance; Jeonghan knew he should be grateful if they let him inside the house and treated him somehow politely. He wanted to hope it wouldn't be that bad. But any amount of bad would be bad not for Jeonghan but for Seungcheol. There's no way he wouldn't be hurt, all because Jeonghan couldn't make himself do what was right. 

Seventeen was its own little world. Everyone could just be themselves. That environment was fostered by the mix of their different personalities and diverse backgrounds. There was acceptance there. A place for Jeonghan. A way to just _be_. Even though he knew better. Jeonghan let himself give in.

The members were all aware, of course. They saw, they guessed, and Jeonghan and Seungcheol discussed it with them. For the most part, they didn't mind. They had their worries, their apprehension, their confusion, and their own adjustments to make, but overall they gave them a safe place to exist.

The company was another issue. They only told the trusted few, meaning Bumzu-hyung, Hyelim-noona, the VP, and they also talked to the CEO, not because they necessarily trusted him but for the sake of the group. All had the same thing to tell them: to keep acting normal on stage and on camera and be extremely discreet with their behavior elsewhere. There was a lot they could get away with being idols and being known for being close friends but still. And, of course, they told them to not confide in anyone that could put them at risk. The CEO warned them that if things blew up, it would depend on the reactions of the fans and the general public. If they had support, then it would be fine; otherwise, well, his hands were tied.

Seungcheol seemed slightly disappointed. Jeonghan didn't expect anything else. It was a business after all. The fact that they found a family in this was just them being lucky, but business was still business.

That left only their families.

"Hi," Seungcheol came up to his window, red cheeks, a smile on his face. He handed Jeonghan a cup of tea."To settle your stomach and to warm you up."

He must have noticed Jeonghan shivering earlier. _Too bad it wasn't because of the November weather._ Satisfied with his delivery, Seungcheol went around to climb in his seat. Just by his presence, he brought back all the warmth in the car and Jeonghan quickly rolled up his window.

Jeonghan noticed that Seungcheol got some coffee for himself. And even though Jeonghan would have liked some too, he was wise enough to admit it wasn’t a good idea. Seungcheol knew too, and he got Jeonghan tea on purpose.

"Here." Seungcheol passed him a bag with some water and some painkillers. Jeonghan was exasperated and touched that he was being so transparent. He mumbled his thanks and Seungcheol's hand came to rest on his face, checking for his temperature and softly caressing his cheek and neck. The gesture was tender and fond and Jeonghan felt like he was treated almost like a child. Indulged.

"I hope you're not getting sick. You should sleep some more after you finish drinking your tea." The words were concerned. As if Jeonghan could solve things just by taking a nap.

And car honked next to them and Jeonghan reflexively moved away from the hand, too quickly and carelessly. The tea spilled.

"Careful," Seunghceol said, grabbing some tissues.

Jeonghan took them without looking at him and quickly wiped the liquid while Seungcheol sighed. He pulled his sweater to check the damage. A wet spot but no stains. Thankfully it wasn't coffee. Jeonghan picked his outfit carefully. There's no doubt that it was stupid and narrow-minded of him, but he avoided any pastel color like pink or peach while packing. He stuck to a solid or neutral color. That's how he borrowed a brown jacket from Seungkwan to wear with a beige sweatshirt and blue jeans. It was the best he could do with their idols wardrobes. Not very fashionable, but at least it felt safe. There was not much he could do about his blonde locks, so he stuck a cap on his head.

He just wanted to try to look _less..._

Jeonghan didn’t know if it worked.

He debated wearing makeup or not. Jeonghan didn't wear too much makeup off schedule, it was a pain to do it himself and also a pain to wash off. But still, he was usually at least camera-ready in case he was photographed somewhere. When he was readying himself, Jeonghan was torn. On the one hand, he didn't want to look _so_... but then he also wanted to look good enough. In the end, he settled for some BB cream after a thorough skincare regiment. His skin looked nice and fresh. Seungcheol looked nice, expensive. Nice coat, nice pants, nice sweater, all black. And he didn't shy away from a cherry lip taint. He always made an effort when going home. He said it was so his mom could show him off. "Here's my famous idol son" she liked to brag and he didn't want to look scruffy. Jeonghan thought he understood, but he always did the opposite when he went home. He was dressed as comfortably as possible. He was going home to see his family, no one else, and definitely not to show off.

Jeonghan took a sip. Honey lemon. He concentrated on the drink, letting it warm his insides. Seungcheol ended up humming to himself as he steered them back on the road. An unfamiliar tune. So many of those. Seungcheol's taste was eclectic, closer to Hansol's than Jeonghan's. Half of the time, Jeonghan didn't know the artists these two would rave about.

 _He was always so out of the loop,_ he thought with a wry smile. He finished his drink well before they stopped in the driveway of Seungcheol's parents.

Seungcheol turned off the ignition and pulled the hand brake. Neither moved to get out of the car.

“I know I said I was bringing you for the weekend." Seungcheol started, body angled toward Jeonghan. “But if it’s too much or if-if something goes wrong, we won’t stay the night. We’ll just leave after dinner, okay? We can just say that there's an unexpected schedule or something."

 _As if they would believe that excuse_. It would just look like Jeonghan was unhappy and making Seungcheol cut short his precious family time. Jeonghan had to bite his tongue to avoid replying something sarcastic. He knows Seungcheol is trying to make him feel better and that he cares about how Jeonghan is feeling.

And that was the whole point, wasn't it.

Seungcheol _cared._

That’s why he asked Jeonghan to come with him. No matter the misgivings he had about the whole thing, he knew that Seungcheol told his family everything because he cared about their relationship. He cared about Jeonghan.

And Jeonghan cared about him too. That's why he agreed to come even if the thought of walking into that house left him paralyzed with fear.

He cared enough about Seungcheol to not just flee and go back to Seoul.

After a cautious nod from Jeonghan, Seungcheol got out of the car first. Jeonghan took a few extra seconds to try to compose himself. A futile exercise. He opened his door. Seungcheol already took their bags from the back. Jeonghan wanted to hold his own. He didn't want to walk in there with Seungcheol carrying his baggage. But after passing him his bag, Seungcheol kept his hand extended. _Toward Jeonghan._ He froze. Seungcheol wanted to hold hands. Here. As they were about to face his parents.

Jeonghan blinked for longer than a second and pretended he didn’t see the hand. He also pretended not to see the disappointment on Seungcheol’s face.

The door opened when they were already right on the porch. Seungcheol's brother was the one who opened the door. He seemed a bit unsure as to how to proceed. Jeonghan had his heart in his throat, seeing Hyung already like this what about the rest of the household.

"Morning. Welcome. Come in?" is what Hyung settled on.

 _I'm sorry,_ Jeonghan thought but instead, he said, "Hi Hyung. Thank you."

Seungcheol's brother stepped aside with a hesitant smile—seungcheol answering his questions about their ride. "How was traffic? What time did you guys leave? etc..".

The Choi brothers were very different, Jeonghan always thought. Not physically but the older Choi was not as emotional, or perhaps just not in front of Jeonghan. He came off more serious and stern, but Jeonghan remembered the way he patiently explained things to him. The way he listened to his stories. He was very kind. He was a lot more like their dad while Seungcheol was more like his mother. She said what was on her mind. She was eager to be loved and to give love. And she had a temper. Jeonghan recalled with an internal wince.

Seungcheol's dad was a simple and quiet man. Full of wisdom, very gentle. His voice was lower than you would expect. He was a bit taller than Seungcheol. About the same height as his first son. His presence was comforting.

The Choi family were all good people, Jeonghan knew that but Jeonghan also thought he was a good person, and yet he had a hard time accepting himself.

Even though someone like Joshua was straight, he still managed to find being gay more natural than Jeonghan ever would.

Jeonghan wondered if he, too, would think differently if he grew up with other parents. He wouldn't say that his parents taught him to be against things. Actually, they probably never breached that topic with him. It's just in the air. Always had been. It's in the warnings, in the insults. In the jokes especially, in the way it was only ever acceptable as a joke. It wasn't to be understood and accepted, and it just wasn't the norm, and Jeonghan liked his norms. The most adventurous part of himself was being an idol. He couldn't help how _conservative_ , how _traditional_ he was. Jeonghan still did a double-take in the street when he saw a foreigner. He still preferred Korean music to others. He didn't enjoy watching foreign movies with subtitles, and he liked to eat Korean. Jeonghan would try other stuff just to see, but even when he was on tour, he did his best to find authentic Korean food. Aside from being an idol, Jeonghan felt like he was somehow such a typical Korean, he felt like there was nothing so out there about him.

Sometimes Jeonghan envied Joshua and Hansol. Not just for growing up in families that were so accepting but for how it also made _them_ so accepting. Sometimes he laid in his bed and tried to spin things in his mind. To let go of this idea of wrongness, to just see things as normal and acceptable, but he always failed. It's like he couldn't make himself work backward and unravel the things deeply rooted in his mind.

Jeonghan couldn't ignore his first instincts. All he could do was forgive himself for being that way anyway and even more for daring to act on it.

Yes, because being gay was one thing but _acting on it_ was another. In doing so, he wasn't the only 'victim'. If he chose to not care about what was right, he wouldn't be the only one to suffer the consequences. His family, the members and now Seungcheol’s family were added to the list.

The inside of the house was warm. Standing awkwardly, Jeonghan's fingertips still felt cold—from the nerves. They were standing in the lobby talking with Seungcheol's dad and his brother. The conversation in appearance friendly and normal, but with an unspoken tension permeating the air.

He noticed how Seungcheol’s Hyung spoke too fast, his eyes adverted. He noticed how much quieter Seungcheol’s father was.

Seungcheol mom was conspicuously in the kitchen. She was still cooking. That was unusual for her. Jeonghan concluded that she was hiding. Stalling things. Seungcheol clenched his jaw. He noticed too. It prickled at him—the obvious difference between their previous visits and now.

But there was a sense of distance now. Bringing a man home. There was no way to make it easy.

Perhaps wanting to give Jeonghan more time to get his bearings, Seungcheol said, "We'll just go put our bags in my room, Appa."

Right away, Seungcheol's brother winced. His expression suddenly uncomfortable.

"About that, actually Seungcheol-"

"Ah, you'll be sleeping in your Hyung's room and Jeonghan will take your room." Seungcheol's mother finally joined them, wiping her hands on her apron. She was smiling at them, but it looked brittle. She had bags under her eyes, Jeonghan noticed. Maybe she slept as badly as he did.

He felt Seungcheol stiffened next to him. Jeonghan had expected something like that. Seungcheol had not it seemed. Always too optimistic.

"Welcome, the food will be ready soon." She patted both of them, doing her best to look natural.

Jeonghan thanked her. Then he sensed that Seungcheol was about to bring up the room thing again. Jeonghan was pretty attuned to his habits. He saw the eyebrows low, ready to protest," Eomma, why do I have to sleep in Hyung's room?"

His mother ignored him and addressed Jeonghan, "I cleaned up the room nicely, there are extra blankets in the closet If you want."

Jeonghan held his breath. He wished to be anywhere else but here. And of course, his head still hurt. 

"We can-"

“Thank you very much, I’ll just go put my things away.” Seungcheol wanted to keep arguing, but Jeonghan cut him off, speaking over him.

Seungcheol’s mom let out an obvious sigh in relief. Her hands released her apron. She gave them another strained smile and returned to her kitchen. Jeonghan ignored Seungcheol's eyes on him as he left the lobby.

During lunch, Jeonghan‘s mind was strangely blank. It’s like there was some white noise keeping him from his thoughts. He was going through things mechanically, smiling, and tilting his head, eating. Jeonghan had to take off his cap for the meal. He wished he could keep it. He wished his hair wasn’t so blond today. He wished the company would listen to him and let him keep his hair black. Perhaps when it all fell off, they would. Or perhaps they would just give him some extensions again.

The meal was good. The table was full and they wouldn't be able to finish even half of it.

He felt Seungcheol eyes on him. Roving over his face, wanting to see how he was. 'Don’t look at me, please', Jeonghan felt like saying.

Seungcheol's mom was asking the same things they talked about earlier, most of the conversation a repeat from earlier. Then the conversation veered onto their work as it usually did.

They talked about their recent and upcoming schedules. And Jeonghan noticed how the talk of work failed to excite Seungcheol's mom as it usually did. She seemed more worried the more they talked about it.

"So yeah, we're pretty excited to start working on this new album." Seungcheol finished.

"I'm sure it will be great, Son. You want more soup?" Seungcheol's mom asked.

"No thank you," Seungcheol responded, still sulky.

Jeonghan disliked how that the issue was being dragged on, "It's really good Eomoni," he said, taking a bite. And she flinched.

Ah.

Right.

It was quick, and she tried to cover it up, but Jeongan saw. It made sense. The word that he so easily spoke previously was weighing down his tongue. He swallowed down his bite alongside the pain in his throat.

"Oh, thank you." She busied herself by pushing some side dishes toward the two of them. "Eat up. Eat some more both of you."

Jeonghan didn't want to know if Seungcheol noticed.

When they finished their meal - painstaking bite after the other for Jeonghan, he politely offered to help with the dishes. "Let me help you Eo- Seungcheol's Eomoni" He caught himself in time.

She gave him an awkward smile. "No, no, it's fine, don't bother yourself. You must be tired. Just go rest or do something with Seung-" She stopped there. Unsure of what she was suggesting but very aware of what she _didn't_ want to suggest. She ended up huffing and shaking her head. She gathered the dishes to bring to the kitchen.

"Eomma." Seungcheol grabbed some plates and followed her. Jeonghan didn't stick around to eavesdrop.

He went to _his_ room and just dumped himself on the bed.

The house where they were was not the one where Seungcheol grew up and the room assigned to Jeonghan didn't hold the secrets of Seungcheol's childhood. The family moved here after they debuted. How much was this house _home_ for Seungcheol? Sometimes Jeonghan wondered at the difference between them. They were both parts of Seventeen, but he felt like they lived different lives. When Jeonghan teenagehood was shaped by his school and fun, Seungcheol was shaped by Pledis, its demanding pressure, and restrictive system. When Jeonghan was figuring out which game to play with his friends after school, Seungcheol was already investing so much of himself in this idol life. At a young age, he was already living away from his parents. Was that why he felt so confident announcing it to them. He was so used to not having to mind their opinion and their rules? Would he have fallen for Jeonghan if he didn’t join the industry so young? If he lived in Daegu still?

Jeonghan closed his eyes. The room had a clock. He hated that constant tic. Jeonghan was someone unable to tune out the noise. Background noise was still noise. He felt it prickling at his skin, demanding his attention, leaving him unable to focus his attention elsewhere. The bed was one of the modern addition to the house. Only Seungcheol and his brother had beds, the rest of the rooms had the traditional floor mattress. The bed was big enough for him to sleep comfortably with Seungcheol and now he had it for himself.

After a quick knock, the door creaked open.

"Jeonghan-ah? Are you sleeping? Do you want to walk around a bit?"

He kept his eyes shut, feigning sleep. Seungcheol was probably not fooled but he didn't care. Jeonghan heard him shuffling around for another minute before he left the room.

Jeonghan kept his eyes closed and felt sleep coming to claim him for real this time. He fell asleep with muddled thoughts. The last thought he had was that he imagined that he could still smell Seungcheol on his pillow.

Jeonghan woke up and his headache had receded to a bearable level. Barely. He laid still for a minute, listening to the beat of his own heart.

Jeonghan didn’t realize he wasn’t alone in the room until he turned to grab his phone.

"Feel better?" Seungcheol asked with a smile. 

"Yes. How was the walk?"

"Good." They fell back into silence.

"Jeonghan you know-"

" How long have you been here?"

"Maybe 10 minutes why?

Jeonghan closed his eyes briefly. _Because I don't think we should be alone like this for too long."_ We should go back out _._ "

Seungcheol leveled him with an unreadable look.

"Right. If you say so." He got up."I just came to tell you that Halmeoni was here. My uncle dropped her off. She asked after you, I said I would come and check if you were awake and I just." Seungcheol looked to the side with a blush. Jeonghan knew he had the habit of watching him sleep. It embarrassed him for some reason while Jeonghan just found it endearing. Painfully so.

"Okay thank you. I'll come out to greet her." Jeonghan sat down on the bed.

Seungcheol turned to leave and stopped. squaring his shoulders, he turned back.

"Jeonghan, I know this isn't easy for you but you shouldn't, we shouldn't."

"What?"

"The room thing, it's not- It's- Don't be ashamed."

Jeonghan didn't know what to say to that, he looked down at his hands.

Seungcheol approached him and carefully put his hand under Jeonghan's chin, tilting up his face. He looked tired. Jeonghan felt guilty for letting him do all the driving."Please. Don't be ashamed of us. It'll be alright, you'll see."

"How." Jeonghan stopped as he heard the break in his voice.

Seungcheol pulled him up and embraced him. Jeonghan always felt at home in these arms. Safe. Anchored. Seungcheol breathed in Jeonghan's disheveled hair."It's alright," he murmured. His lips pressing a light kiss on Jeonghan's head. Seungcheol kept going kissing his hairline going down the side of his face. Soft presses of his slightly opened mouth. Jeonghan breathes into it, enjoying the smell of Seungcheol so close. Slowly the lips reached his own. Maybe he shouldn't have been surprised when the kisses landed on his lips, but he was.

Seungcheol's kiss was insistent, with a hint of desperation. Jeonghan instinctively kissed back the lips he knew so well. Seeking the familiar taste. A hand fell from his neck, all the way down to his waist. Seungcheol pulled him closer but Jeonghan couldn't let himself forget where they were. He started pushing against Seungcheol. The kiss turned frantic and Jeonghan pushed harder to tear himself away. Seungcheol tried to seek his lips again but Jeonghan turned his head and the kiss landed on his cheek. Seungcheol's hands tightened briefly before letting go and Jeonghan wrenched himself away. "Don't do that again here," Jeonghan said.

Seungcheol was breathing fast. Eyes unreadable again. But Jeonghan didn't need to read them to know Seungcheol was hurt.

The room went quiet, so quiet that Jeonghan could hear what was happening outside. It only made him think of what they could hear of what was happening in this room.

Seungcheol said, "You should take a shower first, Halmeoni can wait, don’t let yourself get sick, please." Then he walked away. 

Jeonghan opened his mouth to apologize, to say something to take away the sting of his rejection, but the words remained stuck in his throat as the door closed.

Seungcheol grandma was easily one of Jeonghan's favorite people. And it wasn't just to be polite that Jeonghan disregarded Seungcheol's suggestion. She was petite, head fully grey, and so sweet. She adored her grandchildren, especially Seungcheol. She had that smell of a grandma. The gentle and homey fragrance filled his nose as he let himself enjoy her embrace. Jeonghan wasn't necessarily worried about her during this visit, but it was a comfort to know he wasn't wrong about her reaction. He didn't mind when Seungcheol got up and left the two of them alone, only frowning slightly at Jeonghan in passing, his hand hovering as if he wanted to touch Jeonghan but couldn't.

Jeonghan himself was not very close to his grandparents. The act of snuggling into a grandma and being pampered was not something he was used to. The 'no question asked, no expectations, just love, and acceptance' interactions were a novelty he couldn't get enough of. So no Jeonghan wasn't worried about her, he was just feeling sorry.

"Oh my dear boy, you lost some weight again. Why won't they feed you in that company?"

"Halmeoni, I actually gained some weight. Don't worry, I promise I'm eating well." He was sitting on the floor with her in her room.

Even though she lived with her oldest son, they kept a room in this house for her.

"How can you eat well, when all you boys do is order food. Tell me, what do you want me to cook for you to bring back?" She patted his hand.

"Halmeoni you don't have to?" Jeonghan protested, knowing he would be going back with loads of food whether he liked it or not.

"No no, tell me, I already asked Seungcheol and now I'm asking you. I'll make it tomorrow before my drama airs"

"Is it any good? I haven't seen it yet." Jeonghan was really always out of the loop but Seungcheol's grandma was always more than happy to catch him up.

"Of course it is. Let me tell you that actor..."

Jeonghan was always happy to talk to her. And since his arrival in the house, it was the first time that he had a tension-free conversation. He was relaxed, and it dawned on him. Earlier, he was treating the situation like work. As if he was on a schedule

Now he felt unguarded. Which is why he didn't expect that blow.

"Too pretty like you," She said.

Jeonghan mind blanked.

 _Pretty._ A word Jeonghan directly tied with joining Pledis. Perhaps it had also been used when he was little. Jeonghan couldn't remember. Growing up, Jeonghan knew he was good-looking. How? Because it was repeated often enough while talking about him or said to him directly. By everyone around him and not just his parents. He quickly learned to appreciate what it meant. It's advantages. He went through puberty, gained some weight, and then lost it during his last years of high school. This time around, people not only commented on his looks but also kept suggesting practical applications. It wasn't just "oh how handsome" it was "oh you should be an actor with that face." "Oh, are you an idol in training?" And also, "Do you want to join our agency?" It was repeated frequently enough that Jeonghan gave it more than a passing thought.

Who didn't dream of fame and success? Jeonghan seriously thought of what it could mean for him and his family. Why people sounded so sure that Jeonghan was meant to shine as brightly as the people on tv, he didn't know but he thought he could give it a try. And it wasn't as if he had something he was particularly passionate about. Since Jeonghan didn't know how to sing or dance, he thought about acting. Somehow by a twist of fate, he ended up in Pledis. That's about when that word pretty seemed to affix himself onto him.

Pretty eyes, pretty mouth, pretty hair. Pretty. Pretty. Stay skinny, dye your hair, grow your hair, wear this and that. At first, growing his hair, wearing feminine clothes and all, most of it was okay because they were all doing it, but at some point, Jeonghan was singled out. He was the feminine one, the pretty one, the girl of the group. It made him nervous.

He felt exposed.

Like his secret was out for everyone to know. To see.

Everyone said it was a good thing to stand out for an idol in a group. Especially with 13 members, they said it was an advantage. He would be remembered. Jeonghan didn’t want to stand out like that and constantly worry if people could guess something about himself.

Jeonghan remembered seeing a picture of himself with his bare legs. It was jarring. To see his face and the hairy legs. The combination was off-putting. He went ahead and shaved. More than anyone else, perhaps he was the first victim of that pretty scheme. The first but not the only one. It was akin to a particularly strong wave that could not be stopped. It affected everyone around him. From the manager who had been too handsy, from getting preferential treatments, to the members fighting for his attention. In the back of his mind, he often wondered if that's all he was. A pretty face. And a shameful part of him can't help but fear that Seungcheol was just with him because he was pretty. _Pretty enough._

He knew what Seungcheol's grandma meant by 'too pretty'. She was just making a simple comparison, it wasn't malicious. It was a compliment. But the fact that it was something that came to mind when she thought of Jeonghan left him distraught. Because he was a mess. A mess of guilt and insecurities.

As if he could sense his turmoil, she turned the conversation elsewhere keeping Jeonghan's hands in hers.

"...I've been busy taking care of my garden, you know. It's a bit trickier in the winter, and my son doesn't like me to stay out in the cold, so I don't know how I'll manage next month when winter starts and..."

Her gentle voice slowly letting him relax again. She also asked him for some help with her phone. Jeonghan wasn't sure if she truly needed it and why didn't ask her grandsons. "Oh you're much better at explaining ," she said. Then she made him watch the ending part of an ongoing drama with her. By the end, he was back to normal.

"Okay. On you go. Aigo, it's so late already I promised to a friend. Off you go."

Jeonghan laughed as she pushed him out the door."Okay, okay, I'm going."

As usual, aside from the 'pretty' incident (and it was Jeonghan's cluttered mind that was at fault), she managed to put him at ease. Maybe Seungcheol took more after his grandmother than his mother. They both managed to make Jeonghan feel so safe.

Jeonghan decided to take a shower before dinner. He felt gross. Since he vomited earlier, he felt like he needed to wash up. He had brushed his teeth, but he still felt unclean. Sleeping let him feel a bit too warm, and he was craving a nice scrubbing. Anything to avoid just hanging out with everyone else. Jeonghan was sure everyone would appreciate his efforts to make himself scarce.

Except for Seungcheol, of course.

Like everywhere else in the house, the bathroom was pristine clean. Smelled nice too, some kind of citrus and lavender smell. Probably a mix of the cleaning product and the scented candle (a gift from Joshua's mom if he recalled correctly). Jeonghan could tell the difference with their own dorm. His floor was on the cleaner side, and they had a lady who came to clean regularly, but there was just something different about a mother touch in keeping her household neat. Things were thoroughly scrubbed cleaned not just the obvious surfaces, and it was done regularly enough that it stayed that way, and the smells were pleasant all over the house.

He took a long shower. He washed his hair with his special shampoo for dyed hair and let the water run almost scalding hot. Even though he wasn't cold, he just wanted the sensation of the heat on his body. It felt cleansing. Jeonghan also scrubbed hard. Mid-way, it occurred to him that he tended to do so before a night with Seungcheol. He was naturally clean, but he couldn't help the urge to make an extra effort to make sure every part of his body was pleasant. He definitely wasn't planning on having sex or doing anything. If Jeonghan managed to get it up in that house, he'd be thoroughly impressed with himself. Seungcheol though, that was another debate. Jeonghan closed his eyes as the memory of him pushing Seungcheol away barreled in, uninvited. What else was he supposed to do he wasn't the unreasonable one there. Doing that right there was... disrespectful. It was pushing it. As usual, Seungcheol was the one having no issue displaying his affection, his longing, his needs. He just was so open with everything. Like a child. Their beloved childlike leader. Always so candid. In everything he did.

And that's how he got hurt so easily.

Ignoring the heavy cloud of guilt, Jeonghan put his head face up directly under the showerhead. Letting the water streams drum on his closed eyes.

Jeonghan turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. The steam in the bathroom quickly dissipated through the noiseless vent. He dried his body and his hair. Grabbing his phone to check the time, (only 4:45 pm), Jeonghan saw a barrage of notifications—mostly messages.

“Jeonghan Hyung fighting!” _~ Chan._

"I love you, Hyung. You're much stronger than you think." _~ Seungkwan._

"Hyung, you're the best, bring me back some food :)” _~ Soonyoung._

"I miss you. Come back soon, Hyung" _~ Seokmin._

"Don't worry too much and just breathe." _~ Myungho._

"The worst is in your mind. Everything will be fine, my friend." _~ Joshua_

The other members also texted him but just stickers and gifs, all giving some sort of encouragement.

Jeonghan only had to think for a minute to realize what must have happened. Seungcheol probably told them that Jeonghan wasn't doing well and asked them to cheer him up.

His lips stretched helplessly as he felt a wave of affection for his members, for his little Seventeen family.

_And for Seungcheol._

He had to blink away the moisture gathering in his eyes.

The messages did more to warm him than the shower. He put his phone in his pants and kept on toweling his hair. Suddenly, Jeonghan found it easier to stare at his reflection.

He was still drying his hair outside the bathroom when Seungcheol's grandma ambushed him with a harried look. 

"Halmeaoni, what is it?"

"Oh, just come, my boy, let's go watch something in my room."

"What's wrong?” Jeonghan didn't understand the urgency.

"Just hum, they are just having a silly argument, don't bother—a bunch of stubborn heads, the lot of them. Come, no need to stay around," Her petite hands kept pulling at him, but Jeonghan stayed rooted in his spot. He could hear the sounds that hadn't register earlier.

“…but you didn’t have to be so curt.” Seungcheol’s mother scolded.

“Why would you even invite her Eomma, And what do you want me to say to her?"

They were talking in furious but controlled voices trying not to be too loud, but Jeonghan could still hear them.

"I don't know, can't you talk to her normally? Are you suddenly unable to converse with a girl? Didn't you use to like her?"

"Eomma!! That was years ago, Seungcheol doesn't-"

"Can you not do this?" Seungcheol's cut off his brother's attempt to reason with their mother. "You think I just need to talk to a girl, and what? What do you expect to happen?"

"What do you think?” His mother threw back in Seungcheol's face.

"Mom, I'm taken." He said slowly. Jeonghan saw how Seungcheol was breathing deeply.

"You are, aren't you? So what you expect your mother to go around telling people that her son is with some man."

"It's not just 'some man' Eomma, "Seungcheol growled."it's Jeonghan, and no, I don't want you to say anything to anyone."

"And why not? Are you ashamed? So you know the meaning of shame?" Her voice was cutting, her eyes as fierce as her son’s.

Seungcheol's brother noticed Jeonghan first. Unlike the well-meaning grandmother, Jeonghan didn't think to hide and could be easily seen from the living room. Seungcheol's brother's eyes widened, and he bit his lips.

"I'm not ashamed. I love Jeonghan, and I'm not ashamed of our relationship." Jeonghan's heart was hammering in his ribcage as Seungcheol spoke with absolute conviction. The same conviction he had when he told Jeonghan he loved him. Bravely and unashamedly he spoke the words first. "But I wouldn't be able to tell anyone if I was dating a girl either because that's the nature of our job."

"And that's the only reason." Seungcheol’s mother shook her head at her son.

"Yes, I'd scream it on the top of my lungs if I could. That I'm in a relationship with Yoon Jeonghan."

 _Oh God. Why was he always so...?_ Jeonghan’s fingers were digging painfully in his hands.

"And you wouldn't give a second thought about what that would do to us? Just like you're doing now, right? The public could crucify you if they find out. At least that boy has the damn sense to be ashamed. Why aren't you?"

"My boy, you shouldn't listen to this. Let's just go wait for them to calm down, huh?" Jeonghan couldn't make himself listen to the advice, and Seungcheol's grandmother was hopelessly trying to get him to leave the hallway.

"Jeonghan is- He just worries- He's not-"

Jeonghan listened to Seungcheol, trying to defend him, and felt like his whole self was spinning out of control.

"….I can make my own decisions, Eomma."

"My son is a big shot and can't listen to his parents anymore."

"I love you, and I care what you think but do you care about my feelings at all? Why did you say it was fine last time?”

"HOW CAN IT BE FINE?" She exploded. " And what else did you want me to say? Would you even listen to me? What about my grandchildren, what about your wedding? I didn't leave my little boy alone in that company so that he would become this-this,"

Mother and son were facing off, neither backing down. Both of them had pale complexions, and they were both red from the tip of their ears and their cheeks.

"This what, mother? What is it that you want to call me? How do you want to insult your own son?"

Seungcheol's mother winced and replied, "I don't want to insult you, Seungcheol."

“Are you sure?” Seungcheol’s scoffed.

"Yes, I'm sure," She snapped back." I don't want to but I will if I have to. You don't get it now, but when you have kids, you'll understand me." She glared fiercely, "Sometimes you need to be the one to hurt them before the world hurts them."

"Eomma." Seuncheol 's anger deflated, and he seemed at a loss. Like what was happening was beyond his expectations. Jeonghan was hurting for him. It hurt him that he was the cause of this scene.

"Well, at the end of hardship comes happiness." The grandmother intervened, dropping a proverb out of nowhere. She left Jeonghan's side to join the fray.

"Eomonim!" Seungcheol's mother was shrieking.

Undettered Seungcheol's grandma told her grandson, "To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved is everything."

"Eomonim, enough with the proverbs! You need to stop spoiling him already. He's not a baby anymore."

"Eomma, don't yell at her." Seungcheol tried to defend his grandma.

"What? Why should I calm down? I have to be the bad guy and say things since no one will tell you the truth. Do you think that your father is happy with you? You don't care about what he feels, do you?"

"Dad, is it true?" The betrayal in Seungcheol's voice pierced Jeonghan, and it cut through the tension in the living room.

His worst fears were coming to life, the fighting, the yelling, the heartbreak in Seungcheol's eyes, and all because of Jeonghan. It's everything he tried so hard to prevent by being careful. Jeonghan was ready to shoulder the blame, but he had hoped to spare Seungcheol.

_Maybe, maybe he should just…_

Jeonghan stepped forward, his hands trembling as they all turned to look at him, the eyes making Jeonghan feel like his body was 10 times heavier. Seungcheol was the last to turn around and when he caught sight of Jeonghan, panic flooded his face. He was shaking his head helplessly, agony in his eyes.

"Jeonghan-ah no, don't listen to them. It's fine, just go to your room. I'll talk to them. You don't have to be here."

"Yes, it's true." Seungcheol's dad chose that moment to answer his son's query. "When you spoke to us.." He cleared his throat and finished gruffly, "I needed time to think." Then he faced Jeonghan, expression's inflexible. "Jeonghan. You seem to be uneasy about this whole situation. Unlike my son, it seems that you retained some sense." He paused and continued with words that left Jeonghan feeling cold. "What if I asked you to break up with my son?"

“Aboji!” Seungcheol’s brother.

“Son!” The grandmother.

And Seungcheol “Appa! No what- Don’t-” he clambered to Jeonghan’s side in quick strides.

"Let him answer, Son," Seungcheol's dad said easily. As if he didn't just drop a bomb on Jeonghan. "Let the boy speak for himself. Are you that insecure over this relationship?"

Jeonghan's stomach twisted. He looked at Seungcheol and saw how he tensed in surprise, then fear, and finally resignation.

Seungcheol had said 'I love you' first.

But the truth was that Jeonghan had been thinking about it for weeks already.

Yet he stopped himself and let Seungcheol say the words out loud first. It was Jeonghan's token resistance. A way to avoid his guilt from swallowing him whole because Jeonghan knew he fell for Seungcheol first. Jeonghan's heart started racing when he heard Seungcheol's voice long before their first kiss, long before they called each other friends. Somewhere along the road, this boy who impressed and intimidated Jeonghan, this boy who was the same age but seemed miles ahead from him, the one he was running to catch up to. When that boy accepted him, when the boy had smiles just for him, when that boy so naturally sought Jeonghan first to play games, perhaps since then, Jeonghan had given him his heart.

So now…

Jeonghan fell to his knees.

"Jeonghan, don't no, please don't listen to them" Seungcheol's sounded so broken.

And it was Jeonghan's fault. He fell first. He had been _that way_ first. And he knew better, so he could have put an end to it long ago. It was his shame. His guilt. His life to live in a lie. And he dragged Seungcheol in it. Jeonghan wished he knew how to stop. Stop being this way. Stop feeling this way.

His hands balled into fists on his lap. Jeonghan had his head hung low. He felt like he couldn't look up and face the condemning looks.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

But what else could he do?

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

Plop. Plop.

Jeonghan felt something dropping on his hands. He glanced at his clenched fists and saw it was tears. He didn't know when he started crying.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

He wasn’t sure when he started speaking out loud, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry_

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not doing the right thing. I'm so sorry. but—"

Seungcheol took a sharp intake of breath. "Jeonghan, don't-"

"—I can't leave him."Jeonghan let out in a broken whisper, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love Seungcheol. Forgive me."

How could he let go? He didn't know how.

The tears were freely running down his cheeks, and Jeonghan couldn't stop them. They just kept welling up in his chest and forcing their way out in ugly sobs.

Jeonghan felt Seungcheol kneeling next to him.

He reached to touch Jeonghan clenched fist. Jeonghan panicked. And he hated that he still did so in that situation. But the idea of touching in front of the parents. Wouldn't that be rubbing it in their face and defeating the purpose of apologizing?

Seungcheol warped a hand around Jeonghan fist and didn't move. Jeonghan tensed up.

He knew everyone's eyes were boring into them from where they stood.

After a few long seconds, Seungcheol relented. He took his hand off Jeonghan's, and Jeonghan swallowed heavily around the weight in his throat. In a fit of madness, Jeonghan caught the hand before it retreated completely.

Oh.

Seungcheol's hand was thoroughly moist. Sweaty like Jeonghan's.

Jeonghan was an idiot. Of course, Seungcheol was nervous too. There was no way he wouldn't be. He was just hiding it well. In order to face his family head-on and shield Jeonghan. Jeonghan swallowed thickly. He kept his eyes down and didn't look at the faces surrounding him before moving and slowly curling his fingers tight around Seungcheol’s.

Around them was a pregnant silence, and he didn't dare to check for reactions.

Jeonghan's felt hands on his shoulder and startled. It was Seungcheol's dad.

"Aboji-" he cut himself off. Jeonghan didn't dare use the usual way of addressing Seungcheol parents.

Seungcheol father noticed the way Jeonghan stopped himself and nodded at him.

"Good, that's good. I've always told my sons not to be half-hearted with the path they've chosen. Whether in their career….or in love."

Jeonghan didn’t there to believe what he was hearing.

"It was never what I imagined for you, son. I've been trying to think, and I don't know where to start and what to think about everything. I wondered if I played a part in this if I was too soft with you." A thread of affection mixed with regret in his tone. "I don't know how these things work, but no parents want to see their children in an unfavorable situation. But life is as it is, and all I can hope is that the person my son chose would be ready to fight at his side."

Jeonghan bit on his lips hard. He wanted to say something, but Jeonghan felt like he couldn't speak without sobbing. His throat too tight. He ended up nodding, knowing it was nowhere near an appropriate response.

Seungcheol’s dad let out a sigh.“Good, good.” And he stepped away.

"Thank you, Aboji," Seungcheol said, the tension in his throat audible for all. "You raised me right." He added softly, and Jeonghan wasn't sure if anyone else heard. 

Seungcheol's grandma approached Jeonghan and took hold of his face. The warm hands were so gentle.

"Aigoo, what to do? Why the tears? It's nothing worth crying over. It's just life. It's just love." Seungcheol's grandma softly wiped the tears under his eyes. Her own eyes were wet. "Oh, my sweet boy," she said as she placed a light kiss on his hair.

"Look at those eyes. Of course, there was no way that my grandson could resist." She tried to joke, but Jeonghan started to cry harder at her words.

"Aigoo, what did I say now? Don't cry." Seungcheol's grandmother busied herself, soothing him.

Jeonghan knew she didn't mean it that way. Even if he believed that it was a disguised accusation, the gentle smile would let him know it was just a harmless compliment.

He shook his head and gave her back a wet smile.

Between her warm touch and Seungcheol's heat next to him, Jeonghan felt protected. Seungcheol's hand was squeezing him tight. He was almost vibrating with restrain from not gathering Jeonghan in his arms. Jeonghan knew he was holding back for his sake. And he squeezed back just as hard.

Seungcheol’s mom had a bitter chuckle, “It’s a wonder I didn’t realize earlier with how much he kept talking about you. It was always Jeonghanie this. Jeonghanie that. As if it was just you in the group."

Jeonghan and Seungcheol tensed. Her mouth was twisted as she took in the various wary looks aimed at her. She raised her hands up.

"Can everyone stop trying so hard to make me into the bad guy? You all know how I get when I'm angry." She shook her head." And to begin with, I didn't invite her. Chayeon, that girl, she just came on her own. I don't know how she knew you were home, maybe she saw you on your walk earlier, or saw the car, I don't know, or perhaps she just tried her luck. She's done it before."

She tucked the flyaway hair that escaped from her low bun behind her ear.

"Seungcheol, I didn't raise you to be unhappy." She spoke quietly, choosing her words with care. "Do-" she hesitated for a second and sighed, "Do whatever you like. And who cares what I think. I'm old."

"Eomma, no, you're not," Seungcheol's brother intervened. He'd been standing on the side with concerned eyes unable to find ways to jump in and help.

"Yes, I am. My way of thinking is old, and I can't help it. So just hum" She looked down at the boys, specifically at their joined hands. She let out a sharp huff. "just be patient with me, okay."

She walked away after muttering something about being late for dinner.

They sat down around the low table in a quiet atmosphere.

Only the grandmother was talking to the younger generation. Managing to draw soft laughs from them and at least a smile from Jeonghan.

Seungcheol's mom said,"I don't care what you thought I was doing, as an entertainer, you should have been polite anyway. You never know what can happen."

Jeonghan somehow agreed with her, but it seemed that she was getting her bearings back by finding something to scold Seungcheol about. And, of course, her son thought it was the right moment to bring up again the room situation.

“I don’t think it’s fair that-“

“Well, I still don't think it's proper.”

"But before you didn't mind, why now?" Unlike the earlier tension, Seungcheol sounded more petulant.

His mother slammed her chopstick down, "Before was before. Things are different now. Call me old-fashioned, but even if you brought home someone else– " _It must have cost her not to say girl,_ _Jeonghan thought_ , "–I'd still be the same. This boy! What is it that you want to do so badly in your parents' home?"

Seungcheol’s dad started choking on his food, and he quickly excused himself to grab some water. Jeonghan turned pink. Seungcheol lowered his head with a blush, looking sufficiently chastised.

Letting out an awkward laugh, Seungcheol’s brother tried to diffuse the situation,“Eomma it looks like Seungcheol won’t bring you home that actress you like so much? Was her name again? Kim something?”

"Aaah, you little. When have I ever said that?" She hit her eldest. "I don't need my son to marry any actress."

“Well, Jeonghanie here is certainly prettier than most of them, that’s for sure.” Seungcheol’s grandmother smiled toward him.

The comment pulled a startled laugh from Jeonghan mixed with lingering insecurities.

"Well, that's true." Seungcheol's mom agreed, surprising the rest of the table. She seemed uncomfortable with the eyes on her, and she grabbed two bowls and put them down next to Jeonghan before going back to her food with forced casualness.

Jeonghan looked down and saw that it was two of his favorite dishes (Potato and Spam Stew and Brisket Soy Bean Stew).

Jeonghan looked up at her in surprise and then at Seungcheol, who seemed equally bewildered.

"Eat up." She said as he stayed unmoving.

Jeonghan had a hard time swallowing with his stuffy throat. But he kept shoving in bites, enjoying the familiar taste. It wasn't approval, but it was a start.

Jeonghan was still holding Seungcheol's hand. He had yet to let go. They would need to separate soon so that Seungcheol could eat too. But for now, they kept their fingers laced.

_The End._

**Author's Note:**

> I almost didn't finish it in time. I wanted to post this before 2021. So it's probably due for heavy editing since I was in a rush. Wince.Like I just really wanted to have it on the side of the 2020 fics.  
> I'm not sure what to say about this one so I won't say much. It came from the idea of Jeonghan visiting Daegu with Seungcheol and how the family would react to them being in a relationship. And it became this. 
> 
> Anyway, my wish for next year is to figure out how to do this writing thing better. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and Happy New Year.


End file.
